I'm back... Almost

I know, I know... I said I'd be away for a week, maybe ten days. I was wrong. VERY wrong. I'm back online, in a kind of mental-half-arsed-internet-service-provider-shambles kind of way, and will be posting again very soon, as well as answering any messages and emails that I need to catch up on, my sincere apologies for the huge delay.

I dont even know what day it is any longer... I've tried keeping up with the world, it just laughs at me and shits on my crepes.

But I will make every effort and attempt to catch up!

I promise!

ps... new pics on the way, medication - as always, is heavily advised. 

I, Bernard Longlilly...

I'm at the end of my rope today. I'm starting to lose the plot. Again. Its only a matter of time before I glue feathers to my face and call myself Bernard Longlilly. I was rather 'eccentric' when all this moving palaver started... I am now madder than a Sloth's handbag.

**New - Cheese Igloo's, Bjork, Stephen Fry, & Frotting

Friday 21st Feb... Well, it's been an odd week. I attempted to build a cheese igloo, using Cheddar at first, but swiftly moved onto Fribourgeois when the original igloo's roof collapsed. I did try to reinforce the roof of said structure, with breadsticks and Twiglets, but alas, there was no saving it. I thought the Fribourgeois would produce something a bit more sturdy, but it too fell at the first hurdle, it's dryness failing it somewhat. Onwards and upwards though! I wont be perturbed. I'll try again once I've researched my cheeses a bit more, and found something more suitable and sturdy for roofing. Twiglets are rubbish.

Then there were my Twitterings, or Tweets, if you like. It all started off normal enough, a few Tweets with family, friends, former inmates [just kidding - maybe], and then, well... it all went a bit odd. 
Firstly, Stephen Fry started following me. Yes, 'the' Stephen Fry, I kid you not, you can look at my Tweets & my Twitter followers, its all there! Then he sent a message to my dogs. But it gets weirder... I had Phil Jupitus [yes, 'the' Phil Jupitus] talking to me in French and asking if he was being 'too familiar'... the word must have spread that I've been let out, and the Tweets came pouring in. 

Soon I was conversing with the incredible Stevyn Colgan [who I chat a little with most mornings now whilst he's on the train, or in some coffee shop], we chatted briefly about 'frotting' and 'froteurs' on Tokyo subways, and the growing number of 'Frots' in the world. 
I was working on websites, Twittering away, and before I knew it, it was 4am... I sent out a Twitter plea... 'Ok, will somebody please tell me to bugger off to bed'. 

   Once again the Tweets came pouring in... The Queen, Stevyn Colgan, even the wonderfully talented photographer Sean Johnson joined in and told me ''Bugger off to bed Lise, NOW. SLEEP LISE, SLEEP!''. Bjork - yes, 'the' Bjork is also now following me... I have no clue as to where this will lead. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous.

Its a funny old world. And I thought my cheese igloo was going to be the highlight of my week. Any suggestions for hard but pliable and workable cheese's would be received with my heartfelt thanks. 

New Blog Coming Soon... Robert Mugabwe, Ena Sharples, Pole Dancing Donkey's and the Lost Dr. Who episodes...

So much going on, so much to do... and all I want to do is - everythinggggg! My head is spinning like a crack addled whore in a blender, and I LOVE it. This is my drug of choice... Mania. Ha - haaaaaa! Love it. New blog below. Thanks for taking the time, I really do appreciate it. 

'' Prejudice and restraint, hate both! I hate being held down, pinned in, talked at, talked down to, bulllied, feeling inadequate, and being expected not to question things... I was a 'problem' kid, and I've turned into a 'problem' adult. '' - Lise.

'' Am I an anarchist? Hell yes, to a point. I think more people should be. More people should question things, feed their brains, BE something - stop following the crowd and do your own thing, we all know what happens to sheep at the end of their day, and its not nice. Question everything, make trouble, piss people off, make yourself heard, be a pain in the arse. It gets things done, and it stops the 'little people' from being trampled on and forgotten about. Am I a lunatic? ... I'm THE lunatic.'' - Lise.

Whats this?

I have no clue. I have no clue about many things in life... some baffle me, some bore me, but the question 'whats this?' is one that continues to intrigue me, and I still dont know what 'this' is. Confused? Me too.

Tales of Madness, Listeria Ridden Swimming Pools, Crack Dens, the Reaper show, Disco Lights, and well, More Madness really...

This Blog Page is currently under construction, as I am moving house - yet again. No doubt I will add bits and pieces as I go along, dancing and skipping merrily through the 'fun' that is the moving process. I hate it.

 Three damned times I've moved now in 11 months. THREE. As if emigrating wasn't enough. I've had to contend with cracked swimming pools full of toads and God alone knows what else that would have given even Michael Phelps something to think about, although he would have been happy as a pig in the proverbial - there was a crack den operating in the house next door. Then my furnace died. In winter. Which affected the water - don't ask. Needless to say I was without water for almost 3 months, so scooping it out of the well in the garden was the order of the day... or dancing under a drizzle that forced itself out of the shower head with all the enthusiasm of a two dollar whore at a c**k party. What fun. The phone calls I made were enough to make a pig laugh... I will post them here at a later date. 

During those six months, I almost had yet another nervous breakdown. I had chronic insomnia, which plagued me to such a point I almost tore out my own eyeballs, seriously. At one point I found myself in the garden, in the pouring rain, wondering how the hell I'd gotten there. I also had a few weeks where I was so out of it, and in such a weird mental state through lack of sleep, that I ended up hurling banana's and buns at birds in my garden. The only relief I had was howling with the Coyotes. This is telling you the shorter, and much saner version. There is WAY more. 

Oh yes, I almost forgot... I also had no cooker. For 6 months. The bullet holes in the street sign should have been a warning. Mind you, when the film crew of Reaper showed up and asked if they could film there, ''cos' it looks kinda creepy and just what we're looking for'', I have to admit to being rather excited, especially when they took me on a tour of the set, and I got to meet some of the crew and cast... then there were the Disco lights I found in hidden places in the living room... and lots, lots more. Like the morning I opened the cereal cupboard and found a mouse staring back at me, munching happily away on my muesli. It didn't even budge. Then again neither did the white rat I found in my laundry room just the other week here. See a pattern emerging? It sat there whilst I took out my washing, put it in the dryer, stared at me as I exited, and carried on with whatever it was that it was doing. 

In between all of this, I discovered that after years of being medicated, years of mental breakdowns and years of misdiagnosis, I actually have Asperger's.

I've been up, down, laughed with utter hysteria, cried with total despair, grown my hair, cut it all off, bit my fingernails down to the bone, and carved 'I am an idiot' into my face with a broken teaspoon. Just kidding about the last one. Its been a year of hell and oddness though, and one I don't wish to repeat. 

Oh and there's the guy I found, walking his dogs off-lead through my garden on a regular basis... who told me my house was being torn down. I thought he may have been some kind of apparition, until his dogs took a huge great crap in front of me, and yes - my house IS being torn down. That's why I'm moving. 

Oh my God... moving! I knew I should be doing something. Must go pack. Again.  Oh, I almost forgot... new house? Its miles away from anywhere, and I will have to collect my mail from the Gas station down the road. I also won't have any garbage collection... I've been told I will have to take it to the local dump. What dump?? Where? Christ, I only found the damned house by following a series of tree trunks, bends in the road and a dead skunk. Also I've been told to keep a tin box in the store cupboard. For storing fireworks in. Fireworks? Yep. To ward off the bears. Gonna be fun, this new house.  You'll find me catching shrimp down at the bayou on wednesday nights, playing my banjo, supping gin from a jam jar, and desperately trying to hang onto the last shred of sanity I have left. Knowing my luck it will be crazier than a snakes armpit.

 Pray for me, and tell Mother I love her.

Welcome one and all... to a trip inside the mind of me... Purple-Lotus. Oh, ok, it's just another blog, blog, blog, blah, blah, blah.. and my name isn't Purple Lotus, its Lise. You got me. Let the crap commence. 

I will be updating this blog regularly, and fiddling about with it 'till it sadly turns its head, and - like an over-used whore, huskily asks 'oh what now?' 

''Lise is a million tiny fireworks of stupidity...'' - Cheers for that quote. Really flatten... I mean flattering. 

''I have to come to terms with the fact that I am not equipped to eat muffins. Its as simple as that. I dont like it, but there it is.''  - Lise

''I am currently ranting, raving and blogging like a loony and I dont care. Its the privilege of the insane.'' - Lise

''I have occasional bouts of deafness, thanks to Menieres Disease... if only it was accompanied by occasional bouts of shut-uppy-ness too, the world would be a quieter place, and you'd all be much happier I'm sure. Sadly for you, thats not gonna happen.'' - Lise

''A very kind gentleman recently said to me - ''Welcome to the planet, we've been waiting for you'' - I'll admit that its been a long hard struggle to get here, but i think I'm going to like it.'' - Lise

''I'm still getting used to things living in Northern America... its taking me a while... i have NO idea what some things are. What the hell is 'Homo Milk' ????
Cos to be honest with you, where I come from... its something COMPLETELY different... and we cant buy it at Safeway.'' - Lise

''I am an over-excited, gibbering wreck of an idiot... some people have started to ask me '' but what are you REALLY like though?'' - well, I'm really like THIS. This is all I am ... imagine if Ozzy Osbourne and Julie Walters had a lovechild? Thats me. Sad isnt it? Just imagine a bumbling, confused idiot with messy hair, tattoo's and a Midlands accent... youre almost there.'' - Lise

"Lise uses this site to spout garbage when she's not having some kind of mental breakdown. We can only hope and pray that someday she gets her act together, pisses off and leaves us all in peace!"  - Lise

''The wonderful people at Youniverse describe me as having 'a brilliantly sharp wit', its all a front, I'm really just a gibbering wreck who stumbles from one disaster to the next, finding it rather amusing that I'm actually still alive. But for kind words, I am eternally grateful.'' - Lise